Journal | Not Yet Ready

17.11 | I finally made the decision to start fixing my financial future. It began with taking a risk, and the risk led to where I am right now. Uncertain and full of doubts, and the sense of regret continues to grow with each passing moment. But I have to control that fear, because when I look back to everything I never accomplished, it was because I was too scared to take risks and I never really grew.

The things I have to say to myself in order to make that first step has never been enough for me get away from the doubt.

And why do I doubt? Because I have failed before, and the feeling of failing always hurt. To set a goal, and never following through, and end up getting depressed because I failed.

But today, I made a risk, and 10 minutes in I wanted to back out. I deposited a month’s savings into a trade account, and the first thing I did was look up how to withdraw that money. So I took a walk, I didn’t think about it for a while, and in 10 minutes I made $17.00 from $30.00.

Now I’m thinking, how much can I make in 20 minutes? How about 30? But the excitement turned to fear again, what if get too greedy and make a stupid trade? What if I can’t withdraw my capital and I just threw away so much money?

So that’s where I am, as I began this blog. But I really shouldn’t think about it too much, I’ve been practice trading for a few months now and I know the fundamentals of risk, money and loss management. I know how to read signals, and how to act.

But information isn’t enough to build confidence, but it’s what one does with information. Right now, I only have a few weeks of experience, and have only applied it for around 30 minutes before I stopped at $17. I’m still a novice, and I have a lot to go through before I can be confident here.

Which brings me back to something I keep talking about in this blog. Ikigai, decision making, and principles of personal improvement.

I know I’m ready, I’ve made my prep, so I just have to work on it.

20:40 | And no, I’m not yet ready. So I’m taking this as a learning experience, and proves one of the concept I was telling myself the other day: “You need a huge buffer to manage your losses”.

Something as chaotic like the Foreign Exchange Market will eat up your money if you don’t manage your losses. And what I learned today, is that you cannot manage your losses if you don’t have enough funds to make sure that your losses can be gained back. And it’s really depressing losing one month’s savings in an hour of trading.

I feel pissed, annoyed, and every other iteration of that emotion, but I need to compose myself. Treat this as a sign that I don’t have the financial capacity to survive in FOREX trading as of yet.


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