Journal | Was Trying to Save our Relationship

I haven’t been able to blog for a while, all because I was on a quest to save the relationship I have with my girlfriend. And I’m telling you, it’s one of the hardest things I had to do for a long time. My tweet-feed didn’t suffer much, but seriously the past few days were the worst things ever.2014-09-02_184438

 

I know we’re in trouble, but I’ll fix this, I’ll fix her, I’ll fix us. I don’t want another “try again”

Anyway, let me tell you all about me and my JM.

I grew up in the nerdy boys table at school, getting immersed in games and toys, unlike my brothers who tried to fit in with the cool kids table. So I am a certified nerd, tinkering with my fantasies through a lot of mediums. I was either rolling dice and counting stats with Mage Knights, or counting land cards in Magic the Gathering. I played through the Final Fantasies, Quests with Dragons, or Legends of Mana, assuming roles and living stories set in magical worlds. I became a thief in Cyrodil, a Pokemon Trainer in Joto, a Sniper in World War 2 and a General in an alternate future Cold War fighting a psychic commando and his alien spaceships.

I could go on with how I read books from every corner of the city, or watched movies about space samurais and desert marauders. But I think I’ve made my point. And growing up in the start of the new millenium, I was expected to be the least popular kid around, along with the other nerds. So I come to high-school, my one and only girlfriend came to me by accident, and losing her became the start in a collection of exes in my social portfolio.

I went through college going in and out of relationships like a coffee shop, tasting the latest brew and moving on to the next one. At first, I just attributed it to a continued search for the “right” one. But what did that ever mean, with each rejection and breakup, the depression began to grow inside me that I went ahead and began seeking intimacy from my students when I was already teaching eight years later. Unethical as it may seem, this isn’t too rare in the University as I found young and charming instructors getting it on with the class muse.

Of course I failed in those as well, growing up in a different time, I never really could get the hang of these younger girls, and I was better at hitting on older women. But when things began getting even worse, JM comes in to my life.

A student nurse and the most unique girl in the world. She was a qwerky girl, with a passion for comics, and I first noticed her when I mentioned to her class how love at first sight for me came in the form of being able to tell me the name of all six Robins or the different origins of the Joker (from Batman).

And here was JM sitting at the back, counting her fingers as she recites each Robin and a couple of Origins she knows. And I was impressed, but I tried not to pay attention to it, because I’ve been hurt by girls her age before, and I was still teaching her class!

But this didn’t stop the teasing by her classmates, that I jokingly encouraged, though never considered it too seriously at the time. The semester ended, and that was what I thought would be the last time I would have to interact with her.

A few months later, a new set of students and a new semester in, it seems fate was teasing us, as we find ways to find each other in the halls, and continuing the teasing that started long ago. And she was just persistent, making up ways for me to notice her by waiting for me outside my class or visiting me when I’m helping a research group with their work. But I began having feelings for her when during one afternoon, she comes to me with a drawing she made. It was of Batman, and the Rogues Gallery at the background.

And it was just amazing! The amount of detail she placed into the sketch and ink was like that of the professional comic books artists themselves. She got me hooked with that one, and it didn’t take too long for her to reel me in and catch me.

It was a December when the relationship was final and we’ve been together ever since. Sure there were some ups and downs, but nothing we couldn’t handle until recently.

You see, intimate partners are just that: partners. Most people fail to grasp this aspect of the relationship, thinking that all the effort can only be given by one party. That boys must be gallant and be slaves of the girl, or girls are walking eye candy and sex dispensers. It’s all wrong!

A relationship with another human being is based around the concept of reciprocity. You get what you give, and that is the key to success.

Sadly, we have been having a hard time with this when I was giving out too much emotionally and she wasn’t. She can’t seem to express herself well with me, despite all the attention and passion I give to her. There was never a day that I didn’t make her feel special, I would praise her, and appreciate how much she meant in my life. Now don’t get me wrong, I was never the clingy boyfriend type, I don’t need to know where she is or what she’s doing (that’s her business), I just let her know I loved her forever.

She on the other hand can’t. She can’t show me the passion that I give to her, and this was emotionally draining. I had no feedback to my feelings and I felt that I’ve been doing everything wrong. And thus the turmoil began.

Relationships are based on reciprocity. You get what you give, and I wasn’t getting what I was giving. And this caused me to feel rather empty a lot of days when she wouldn’t be sweet, when her words seem flat and unaffectionate. And it wasn’t her fault, it was just the way she was because of growing up in an environment of fear and rejection.

It was unfair! And I felt cheated, that I couldn’t receive the passion I was giving out made me frustrated, and I know I deserved better. This led to us not speaking for days, and it was terrible. Because I knew I loved her, but I was unhappy with how things were going.

And we all know what happens when one person says: “The Love is Gone”

But that wasn’t the ending I wanted for us, I was through collecting exes, and I would rather die and look for another her. And well it all worked out for the better now.

You may be frustrated with this ending. Asking: What did you do? How did you fix the relationship. I could tell you the steps but all you need to know is this thing I picked up from Steven Covey (not quoted, simply a rephrasing):

Love is a verb, love the feeling is a result of love the action. So if you feel that the love is gone, it simply means you stopped loving. If you want it back, you have to love.

 

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